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The House of Ghosting
October 30, 2012 * : I don' know o' this. 'Ow shall we h'explain'e to the kids? * : Come on, they'll love it! All ten of them agreed that a holiday is what we need. * : Really, Pen? All ten of 'em? * : Well, Cil just replied with "Goo" but I know he'd like it! * : I suppose you'se a reason. I mean, this 'ouse is leakin' so much I don' know 'ow long this can stand'e! * : Exactly! * : Wait, did ye jus' do thet to prove thet you were right? * : Maybe. * : Oh, you * : Goo! * : Oh! The kids are 'ome! Can't wait f'r'ee to tell 'em the news. [Sio opens the door.] * : Hey everyone, we're back! [A. R. I. The talking continues for the next few seconds.] * : [whistling] Oi, yer father's got an announcement! * : 'Kay. Remember that talk we had last night? [Flashback.] : : But Dad, we don't want to be here! : : I do! :The rest: Shh! : : Your opinion doesn't matter! : : Why not? : : Just four months ago this place looked great! Was it the boys again? : : Again? We did nothing! : : Okay! I think wot yer father's a-sayin's thet you need to be grateful fer yer surroundings. Sure our place ain' good but it's better than livin' with yer avozinha, innit? [Beat.] : : Maybe... [End flashback.] * : And that's when we both agreed * : Wait, did you just recap a recap? * : Maybe... * : All of us are goin' on 'oliday! [Everyone cheers. Whoo!] * : So when are we leaving? * : It's 3:30 right now, so... * : We leave at 1600 hours. * : Huh? * : He means thirty minutes I got to pack my everything! * : So do I! * : What are we waiting for? * : Let's go! [At once, all of the kids go to their rooms.] * : Wow. 'Ow fast'll'ee thinks the kids geh'n an' pack? * : I have no idea, but that was easy. * : Oh God. * : That was the easiest thing I've ever * : Done! [The kids come back, together with their packed suitcases.] * : [sigh] I knew we should 'a' made 'em share cases. * : You've packed already? * : Dad, now's not the best time to share this, but we've been planning this forever. * : I'm just so excited, we're having our very first family vacation! [They cheer again.] * : [to Pen] Omg, we've ne'er gone on 'oliday as a family before! I've chaperoned Avi's trip to the science museum an' if fifty 9-year-ols in advanced science shluld be h'a h'indicator, I fear fer this family trip. * : Don't worry! The General knows how to fix things. [Pencil whistles again and everyone becomes quiet.] * : Alright, we have two rules! * : Never spend more than your allowance? * : Okay, three rules. Second: supermarket etiquette applies on holiday as it does in the city. * : Oh no, we're going to march on the spot again. * : And third, have fun! * : Which, I assure'ee, won' be problematic acos we're fun parents, yeah? * : Totally fun! *'Kids': [half-heartedly] Yeah... * : We need someone to watch the baby, though. * : Aww, Cil isn't coming with us? * : Y'knows 'e don' like goin' out. Thet's why we're 'irin' a babysitter. * : And a plumber. * : Ooh. * : Who is it? [A few minutes later, Match and Eraser have shown up.] *'The girls': Aunt Match? *'The boys': Uncle Eraser? * : I never knew you plumbed! You got a licence? * : No, everyone knows you just kick the wall, and bar-da-''bing'' it's fixed! * : You truly are, like, an insult. * : You what? * : Oi, please don' argue before the baby! * : Don't worry, Pen-Penc, your house will be perfect when you come back... whenever that is. * : Thanks! * : We knew we could count on you. * : We're leaving now! [A. R. I. of valediction.] Kids: ♫ We're going on holiday, Holiday, holiday, We're going on holiday, Which starts some time today! ♫ * : 'Ow long's'ee thinks this'll go on? * : Who knows? * : I do! [She turns on the radio.] * : Father, may I ask a question? * : Sure! * : Where exactly are we going? [A. R. I. of agreement.] * : I don't know yet. * : What? You can't drive us to wherever, and not know where we're going! * : How about this... I'll keep driving, and until there's something that the nine of you agree on, we'll stop there. * : What is this, trial by jury? * : 'O cares... the farther we're geh'n from our 'ome, the better. [to the kids] So start findin' areas! * : Hey, look outside! * : What is it? * : The Museum of Small Parts and Motors! * : Boooor * : Can we stop there? * : Well, wot do the rest of'ee think? * : No. * : An' we continue. * : How about New Mogadishu Park? * : Wot's ye thinkin'? [Almost all of them agree.] * : Are you kidding? I can't be out in nature like this! * : This is pointless! We're never going to find a place that everyone likes! All of us are different, even the twins. * : I'm sure that out of all of the places in the city, there has to be something you all enjoy. * : The possibilities are limitless! * : Aw, seriously? * : It really geh'n an' take'ee h'until night to find a place? 'Ow tergiversate are'ee? * : Oh, we're passing the city limits. * : Boy, get yer ID h'out. * : Okay! * : I means yer father. * : It's hanging on the roof. * : Why? * : I thought it'd come in handy, and it did! * : Attention people! Your search is over. * : Girl, no one wants to see Abacaba-in-Africa. * : You mean Akihabara-in-Africa. Or as I call it, heaven! But no, this is serious. [They look outside and see an interesting-looking hotel.] * : I want to stay at that house! * : That's not a house, it's a hotel! * : Looks kind of dirty. * : Not as dirty as our house! * : Can we stay there? * : Yeah, can we? * : [looks over] Colonial British Eas' Africa? [sarcastically] Noice. * : Does that mean you don't want to be here? * : Yeah. We should go somewhere else. *'Kids': No! * : You said if all nine of us agreed! * : I did say that... Okay, we can stay at this place. [The car is driven far from the location.] * : We missed our place! * : For some reason, there isn't any parking. * : Wot kind o' place's thet? * : I have no idea, but I feel like we're going to have to do some walking. * : Oh no! * : This is so boring! * : No it's not. * : Just pack it up, like, you're not going to fix this any day soon. * : Do you have to be so negative? * : Omg, not in front of the baby! * : That reminds me, what the hell are you going to feed it? * : Him, Cil's a boy. * : Goo! * : And I know exactly what I'll feed him. * : What? * : Sharpening juice. * : Gross! * : I'm sorry, he's everything oh natu-rall! * : Should we watch a horror movie? * : Yeah! A Children's Geometry? * : Pentagons me up. * : Just put it on, huh? * : When did the weather get so mean? * : It seems impossible for it so change so quickly. * : We... we've been walking for ages! * : Yeah, when are we going to stop? * : Apparently when we see thet 'ouse ye'd been a-seein'. * : Hold on, people, I think I see it. [They all look at a house very reminiscent of that from the original movie. Birds fly in the background very artificially.] * : I think this is the gingerbread house house! * : Looks like somethin' out of Europe er somewhere. * : This was so different from inside the car! * : Should we go inside? * : If it looks nice... * : Is'ee says we should enter an' take'e? Oi, I understand thet's wot yer father does fer a livin' but thet don' mean you should do too! * : I wasn't saying that * : Oh, come on. Real estate in this areer is cheap! [Meanwhile, as Pencil and Pen argue, Saye takes a selfie in front of the house.] * : Did you just take a selfie? * : Yeah, want in? * : Omg! [She gets in another selfie with her.] * : And tag it #sistas4eva! * : Hey, can you reblog that to me? * : Are you stupid? * : You can't reblog anything! * : This is PYM! * : Go back to Tumbukr! * : It's for surveillance purposes; maybe someone can tell us where we are. [With the parents.] * : Okay, but neighbourhood etiquette follows! If they speaks in Kiswahili, leave the talkin' to me! * : Deal. [to the kids] So our arguments are settled! * : Finally! * : An' ye? * : Yeah. * : Sure. [Pen goes up to the door.] * : Oh, we going in? * : This is scary! * : Aye, but yer father's to knock firs'. [Pen knocks on the door slowly.] * : DON'T GO IN THERE! * : Oh, now you talk! * : You've been a little quiet. * : [staring at the door] You good back there? * : You think I'm going to let you go inside? * : Aye, thet's expected. * : Well I'm not! I feel something inside me. * : So do I, and I think it'll whither away in the rain! * : This is our only refuge from the rain [The rain gets louder.] * : The lightning [The house gets struck by lightning.] * : [voice heard only] Sorry, guys! * : No problem, m8! * : And from the wind! * : What are you talking about, there's no win *'All': Woah! [Everyone gets blown into the interior of the house. They fall on the floor. After the thunder sound, the exterior turns into a non-object face.] * : That's a fine welcome! * : Oi, can'ee be h'any louder? * : Yeah! * : Okay. THAT'S A FINE WELCOME! * : SHHH! The scary thing could be inside! * : Yeah, and the scary thing turns out to be you. * : Anyway, why do you get to be the hero? * : You saved the day once! * : It was a team effort, y'know. * : Er, guys? [The suitcases start to move away. Half of the kids catch theirs in time. A. R. I.] * : As adults, it's our jobs to protect'ee chil'n. * : Yeah, Penc, you go out there! * : Thet was your bag! * : What? * : Quick lest it geh' 'way! * : Oh, bestemmia. [He hurries outside, but lightning strikes right by the door. Everyone else screams, but Pen returns unharmed.] * : I'm fine! * : Woah! [He sees a poster in front of him with a Victorian-era frame.] * : Avi, help me find the age on this thing! * : Ooh, an old map? It's beautiful! Let's seeBased on this comic.... Constantinople... Canada... Tokyo... * : Did you say Tokyo? Nani? * : He's staring at a piece of paper. * : That's the Earth! * : What would a nine-year-old want to do with that? [By now, all of the kids are crowded around the map.] * : Stop! Don't find anything out! * : I don' see wot's wrong with a bit o' curio [The picture immediately changes into an image of Evil Leafy against a black background. They scream again as this image begins to contort itself. Javier hides under a blanket on the bed and Q.R. starts to run.] * : Wot'n'ale's thet?! * : Omg! * : Screamer, be gone! * : If you please! * : [to herself] I'm at the mall, I'm at the mall... * : See? * : Is it moving? * : Why's she making a swastika? * : That's a manji, it's very popular in Japan. * : [under the blanket] Like you're one to know! * : I'm a-dance! [Before she can make a move, the Evil Leafy changes back into a map.] * : Will someone explain wot'n'ale thet thing was? * : A really ugly person? * : I'm still shocked! * : Let's just leave! * : No! * : We paid good money just to enter. * : You mean we just entered a witch's house without knocking? * : I mean in petrol. And I'm sure your Aunt Match and Uncle Eraser are doing well. * : He's drawing a pentagon! * : Omg, omg, omg, I'm scared for some reason too! [Cil is watching too, but he isn't scared.] * : So let's settle down. * : The lack of a television set is disturbing. * : Look! Chairs! And there's ten of them! * : We have those in school! * : Can we play musical chairs? * : Well... [Saye glares at him. Jump cut to the family having arranged the chairs in a circular way, and they are playing music to it. Saye presses the pause button, and everyone finds a chair, but as soon as each person sits down on one, it disappears.] * : OW!This sort of replaces the "clothes floating in the air" scene because, well, they're objects. [''They all talk at once.] * : Ah! Ghost! [They look and the blanket has risen from the bed and floats around.] * : ''THROW A CHAIR AT IT! * : We ain't got no chairs, moron! [Salvador throws Citlali's luggage bag at it.] * : No! That was my rouge, noir, blanc and vert! * : You brought make-up? * : Duh, you wouldn't? [A table appears out of nowhere. The blanket ghost disappears.] * : Did anyone else see the table? * : Let's eat! I'm a-starvin'! * : We should have stopped for some sorghum earlier. * : Who knows what kind of food they have here! * : It's not that bad! It's a house, and there'll still be food! * : You know the rules, right kids? *'All the kids': Each of you is responsible for his or her side of the table. * : Y'drilled the kids on thet, m8? * : I'll get the tablecloth! * : So this house has a tablecloth but no TV? * : [Aside.] All the better to colonise with. * : Let's see the menu! [He goes into a cabinet and takes out some bread crumbs. By magic, the table rearranges itself.''I couldn't resist leaving out the details; 36% of that film was that dinner scene. I don't know if it was the fact that setting the table was a big deal in 1908 or de Chomón wanted to show off his preview to ''Beauty and the Beast.] * : An' now, we h'eat! [As soon as each person picks up their fork, it disappears along with the fork and then the table.] :Voice, in the film: It's because of a specific five-sided shape. :Another voice: Oh no! The five-sided shape! It's coming! :Voice: Not the five-sided shape! * : Ah, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off! [She pauses the movie.] * : Omg, why? They didn't even mention, like, "pentagon". * : Yeah, but they spoke around it. In every horror movie, that's just the scene before it pops up! * : You're lying. [She un-pauses the movie. A pentagon appears out of nowhere, scaring Eraser.] * : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA * : Shut up! The baby's, like, sleeping, which means we can make out! * : Wait! * : Wha-hat? * : Do you think Pen's coming back? He ain't answering my texts. * : Like, Pencil isn't either. We've been ghosted! * : In that case, let me go and mark my territ [Match slaps him.] * : No! * : I mean, let's make out! * : Omg, yay! * : I can't believe I watched an entire dinner be prepared, only for it to disappear. * : So? * : That's called toying with emotions! It's rude. * : Mm-hmm. * : Omg, my selfie didn't post yet! * : You should have done it outside! * : Well, how many likes did you get? * : I... don't know. * : Hey people, it's getting late! * : Oh, aye, it's the time fer the small ones to sleep. * : There's no bathroom. How shall I brush my teeth? * : I guess you should just skip tonight. * : But... my dental hygiene! * : I CALL THE BED! * : Really? I think all of'ee should sleeps on the floor. Me'n yer father's got the bed. * : Yeah, why not? I do it anyway! * : But that bed is made for one person. * : 'Twon' be a problem; we're basically one person, yeah? * : Right-o! [Beat.] Oh, you meant our bodies. * : You can't do that! * : Why not? * : Be''cause'', that bed's the only place in the house that hasn't been haunted yet! * : Zorah's right. [After they set up: everyone is on the floor, except for Citlali, who has brought her matress and five dakimakuras.] * : Really? You had to bring those? * : Got to sleep like an anime queen to turn into one! * : I think I'd like to pray tonight. * : To which God? Catholic or Jewish? * : Yes. * : Mummy, I can't sleep! Everybody's talking! * : No h'offence, all, but shut up! If y'wants to speak, then whisper. * : Yeah, all this excitement is doing nothing to help me sleep! * : [in her sleep] Avada kedavra... [View from above.] * : [whispering] We look like a xylophone. [Suddenly, the house actually tilts. A. R. I.] * : Ah, who woke me up? * : Oh great, we're all grouped up jus' like we're sardines! * : It feels roomy. * : [under the mattress] You don't have Lallie's stupid thing on top of you, that's why! * : Everyone, take the bed! * : But you says thet * : It's because they're mad! Mad at us because we won't sleep on the bed! * : [to Pencil] How is it that our eight-year-old has better logical skills than we do? * : Get on the bed, m8! [They all do so, including Citlali and her pillows. A. R. I. of relief. Then the house starts to tilt left.] * : No, no, no, no! * : Nice job. * : They clearly want something else. [The house tilts right.] * : If we have to sacrifice someone to this house I vote Avi. * : What? Mum! * : Oi, no one's bein' sacrificed. If one of us mus' geh, then all mus' geh toge'er! * : Your mum's right with the loss of one, the other ten must geh I mean, go. [The house tilts to the left again, but it stops as randomly scattered fires appear in the room. Everyone screams.] * : E'eryone 'old tight! I don' know 'ow they dealt with firey back in the days of ol'! * : This is scary! [One of the fires goes onto one of Citlali's pillows.] * : NO! Not Sora! * : I'm right here! [The fire disappears.] * : Thank goodness thet's o'er. * : That must be revenge. [The house tilts again, but this time, getting faster. Strange mechanical noises.] * : WHAT IS THIS PLACE? * : Just close your eyes and pretend you're at Drowsyland. * : Kay-kay! * : Already done. *'All': Whee! [The house turns upside down for a split second, but after that goes to the correct position again.] * : Aw, it's over? * : That... was actually fun! * : You really think so, because I thought so! [A. R. I. of agreement.] * : You know, maybe this 'oliday did turn out well after all. * : I knew we'd like it! * : Can this be our winter home? * : I was thinking that this would just turn out really bad. But that was actually cool! I wish ghosts could do our dinner for us! * : Let's jus' get some sleep. G'night! [A. R. I. of eunocturnal salutation. Pencil claps twice in hopes that the light turn off, and it does. She squees quietly in response. Silence for a few seconds. Then, Evil Leafy appears with a bang, replacing the wall of the house.It would be scarier than the demon thing in the original film, which appears gradually for some reason. It gathers the family in a bag and raises them from the bed. None of them notice because they are sleeping. Evil Leafy descends and appears in the forest, spilling them out of a bag and to another place.] October 31 * : What? [She screams, waking up everyone else. A. R. I. of confusion.] * : Wot? 'Ow'd we wake up in 'ere? * : Dad, you know the way out of here, right? * : Yeah, I'll just [Citlali screeches.] * : What's wrong? * : Sora's okay! * : I am okay! * : Mummy, why do we have all of your bags back? * : I've no idear at all. * : Can we drive out of here? * : Yeah, I've got our home address. [He starts to drive.] * : And we'll be home by 7:50! * : What are you saying? * : If any of you'd like to go to school today... *'All': No! * : I want to go to school! * : Me too, to cleanse myself of the horror of that house. * : We don't even have our stuff! * : Oh, I brought all of your homework and stuff in my bag, see? [He opens his luggage to reveal nine various-sized backpacks.] * : I was going to do it all at that house, but... * : QR, you want to go to school? * : Yeah, it's Halloween! * : Oh my gosh, that's today? [She checks her phone.] It is today! Yes! * : That's, like, your favourite day of the year because you can show yourself the way you really are! * : I'm a witch, don't judge me. [Later, they are still in the countryside, although the city of Nairobi looms comfortingly in the distance.] * : I'm bored. * : Oi, thet word don' pass 'ere. 'Ow's if we geh'n FaceChat yer aunt Match? [A. R. I. of agreement. She calls Match.] * : Omg, am I really being spoken to by, like, you? * : Aye, girl! 'Ow's the sittin' job? * : Great! Eraser's bathing in paper in the boys' washroom. * : Ew. But thet means the plumbin' situ's fixed, innit? * : Yeah! But TBH, we, like, expected you, like, never to return. * : Wot? All 'olidays 'ad got to end sometimes. * : Like, true! Hey, you, like, coming back? * : Aye, right now. We've got about two hours to makes'e back. * : Perfect! That's enough time to clean up! * : Wot's d'ye mean? * : Since we were, like, thinking that you would die and stuff, so we decorated. Don't be mad! [She turns the camera and it shows that the pair have indeed marked their territory they had put up Eratch posters.] * : Omg, I h'ain' mad! I'll keep'e h'as a memory o' h'our crazy 'oliday. Lis', Match, I'd got to go. * : No you don't! You have, like, two hours, eh? * : Well, since I've got two hours, let me start... It all started when we realised our 'ouse was ... [In the back seats.] * : Hey, how many likes did you get on your picture? I got 26! * : I got 260. * : At least mine come from people I didn't pay. [They laugh.] * : What do your comments say? * : Why not check on your phone? * : Because I'll be tempted to like your picture! * : [reading the comments] "creepy", "wish i was there grl", "how weird!" [With the boys.] * : Sio, are you okay? * : If you want to hurl, I offer Avi's bag. * : Shut up, I beg thee! [to Sio] What's bothering you? * : When I looked back to where that house was supposed to be... it wasn't there! * : Yeah, we drove away! That's when things go away. * : Even I know that! [He goes on his phone and finds the picture of the back view. In the same position as it was earlier, the house is gone, instead having been replaced by an empty field.] * : Woah. * : What's woah-able? * : The house is gone! * : That makes sense! It's haunted, yeah? * : Yeah, and we have proof. * : [who is still reading] Oh no... oh no! * : What's going on? * : Check out this comment! * : [reading] "apples and oranges!"? * : No, the one under that. * : "thats funny! there was a house looked exactly like that in the country, but it burned down in 1985" * : You don't mean... * : The house... * : It never existed in the first place? [Silence for some seconds. View of the car driving on the empty road.] * : Dad, how about we never talk about this vacation ever again? * : Agreed. [Ominous-sounding music sting.] THE END? Category:Episodes Category:New episode